 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
 |
|
       |
||
 |
||
The Bottom Shelf
#10: The Hitcher There are two scenes everyone remembers from the original 1986 version of The Hitcher: the finger in the French fries, and Jennifer Jason Leigh being ripped apart between two trucks. This brain-dead remake omits the former and completely botches the latter, making it even more pointless than it otherwise would be. Say what you will about Gus Van Zant’s shot-for-shot remake of Psycho — at least he kept the shower scene in there. #9: August Rush Hello, Robin Williams! Does Bono know you have his wardrobe? Does he realize you’re wearing it in service of one of your patented fatuous leprechauns — in this case, “Wizard,” the Fagin-like street musician who discovers and names the title character? August Rush is a ragamuffin orphan with music flowing through his veins (never took a lesson!) who uses his harmonic power to reunite his similarly musical parents. They haven’t seen each other since the one-night stand that produced him. Won’t they be thrilled? #8: License to Wed Hello again, Robin Williams! We’ve got to stop meeting like this — and by “like this,” I mean me squirming in a theater seat while you rehash your haggard shtick in yet another unwatchable feature-length sitcom. As Reverend Frank, the wacky priest who runs a creepy marriage prep class (and forces Jim Krasinski and Mandy Moore to change diapers full of robot poop), even Williams seems tired of his own act. #7: Eagle vs. Shark I have nothing but respect and admiration for the people of New Zealand, and I hope this won’t get me into hot water with their tourism bureau, but thet Kiwi eccent sometimes gets on my nerves. Particularly when it’s attached to a twee, cloying quirkfest like Eagle vs. Shark, a movie for everyone who found the stark, gritty realism of Napoleon Dynamite too much to deal with. #6: Bella This inexplicable winner of the Toronto International Film Festival People’s Choice Award concerns a former soccer star now working as a chef and sporting a bushy beard o’ shame due to an incident from his past. That incident is gradually revealed in uncomfortably exploitive fashion as he spends the day with a waitress friend who is planning to have an abortion. An icky right-to-life fable disguised as an art-house ode to the joys of living. #5: PremonitionIt doesn’t take a psychic to know this lousy supernatural thriller isn’t going to end well. Sandra Bullock’s husband is killed in a car crash — but the next morning he’s alive again! I guess it was all just a dream ... except, whoops, now he’s dead again. This continues for quite some time, but at least the eventual payoff is worth it, right? Er ... no. #4: I Know Who Killed Me Seemingly, this is a movie for everyone — the sort of person who wants to watch Lindsay Lohan work a stripper pole and the sort of person who wants to watch Lindsay Lohan slowly dismembered by a maniacal serial killer. That it fails to satisfy on either count should tell you this one isn’t even worth a guilty late night viewing on Cinemax. #3: The Number 23 Joel Schumacher never disappoints. It’s amazing, really; The Number 23 looks nothing like Batman and Robin, which looks nothing like Dying Young or Flatliners. And yet they all look like shit! This time he seems to think he’s making an edgy David Fincher-style psychological thriller, and he’s talked Jim Carrey into taking it as seriously as he does. Carrey is a dog-catcher who becomes obsessed with the number 23 while reading a book that mirrors his own life in strange ways. He’s also the badass tattooed hero of said book, which takes him so long to read I began to think a twist ending would reveal that he’s illiterate. The actual twist is, in fact, much worse. #2: Thr3e Of course, no “10 Worst” list would be complete without checking in with our friends in the Christian filmmaking community. Here’s their attempt at an edgy David Fincher-style psychological thriller, one without any of that pesky blood and gore, or indeed any actual frightening or suspenseful content whatsoever. Marc Blucas is a seminary student targeted by the Riddle Killer, a fiend who taunts the police with a series of lame brain teasers before blowing stuff up. The eye-rolling final twist suggests that the filmmakers attended the same screenwriting seminars as Nicholas Cage in Adaptation. #1: Bratz: The Movie Not to be confused with Bratz: The Operetta, although Bratz: The End of Civilization As We Know It might be a more accurate moniker. This MySpace page come to life concerns a trio of bubble-headed BFFs who are separated into different cliques on their first day of high school. Overloaded with peppy pop tunes and endless fashion montages, Bratz would have us believe it's all about tolerance and acceptance, but it's really a feature-length infomercial for shallow consumerism. |
||
|
|
|
The year in film produced a bumper crop of crap, and as always, it’s up to your friendly neighborhood movie janitor to don the hazmat gear and sift through the odiferous offerings in search of the toxic ten. First, a few honorable mentions: The Reaping, an incoherent Exorcist knockoff starring Hilary Swank as a missionary-turned-scientist investigating an outbreak of biblical plagues; Ghost Rider, in which Nicolas Cage attempts to satisfy his lifelong superhero jones by playing a C-list comic book character with a flaming skull; and Smokin’ Aces, a third-rate ripoff of Guy Richie’s third-rate Tarantino ripoffs. Congratulations! You all sucked, just not quite enough. 